Thankful

As the holidays approach and people reflect on what they are thankful for, I take a moment to sit back and reflect on what I am truely happy and thankful for. I am thankful that back in 2003 I was able to enlist in the miitary and then in 2005 being blessed with a beautiful baby boy. He was totally unexpected but non the less he was a blessing. I am thankful for the loss of my job and the oppertunity to be blessed with another resulting in me meeting the most wonderful man I could have ever met. He has blessed me with a wonderful son in 2007 and beautiful wedding in 2007 and after all we have been through he blessed me again with another son in 2008. I am so blessed to have the ability to claim Brayden as my son and in a way I am ok with saying I am blessed with his passing away. He was taken to be an angel with God because of his birth defects and I was blessed with the abilty to give birth to his beautiful sister the very next year. These past 4 years have been amazing and I can't stress how blessed I was to get out of my previous lifestyle and become a wife and mother and I can't stress how much I love my family. I miss my son and those who have gone before us more than anything right now and the selfish part of me just wants them back even for just a few minutes, hours, days or even a week. I long so much to hold my wonderful son in my arms and let him know how much I love him and that he was always wanted and is truely missed by me and his Daddy.

This year I am also thankful for being able to say that God is in my life for the better and that with him everything will work out no matter how I feel that day or at the particular moment, everything is done for a reason and a purpose and he will see me through it. He has blessed me with more than Icould have asked for, more than I would have wanted but in all honesty it was a very good thing considering my past and the lifestyle I had previous to having children and meeting my amazing husband of almost 4 years. I thank God for blessing me with all he has and what's to come.

i have been able to detox my life and my body over the last few months and I was able to destress and eliminate more than one thing that I no longer need in my life. Things that have brought me down, things I have kept bottled inside and things that are worthless and just needed to be gotten rid off. I have developed relationships with people I normally wouldn't have and I have ended ones with people I thought I couldn't live without. It was hard thinking about it and even in the beginning after it was done, but now reflecting back it was much needed and really should have been done a lot sooner. I was putting myself through emotional strains that were unnecessary and now I realize it was a bunch of bull crap and it was all for no reason at all. What I though really wasnt what it was nor waht it should have been. No more fake smiles for me just straight forward thoughts and the ability to speak whats on my mind regardless of who it may effect or whatever. If you don't want the truth then don't ask me anything.

I am happy in the fact I have a blessed famly who is healthy, who is wealthy in that we have a home that is ours, we have money and we have oppertunitys to advance in what we set out to achive. My husband has been blessed with an amazing oppertunity at work with his company that advancement is available and seems to be easily achieved. I'm blessed in a sense that my children love school ,they love to learn new things and they have. Our oldest Noah was awarded with Perfect Attendance last week and when he came home to show us the award he had the biggest smile on his face and couldn't wait for his Daddy to walk thru the door to tell him about it as well. Zach has learned new songs at school and every night he sits next to me on the couch and asks me to sing them to him. I took him grocery shopping the other night nad he used his manners properly, I was so proud of him. He is doing alot better when I drop him off at school, he no longer cries for me but rather goes right in and picks up with the activities that the other children are doing. He even flirted with an older lady at the checkout and came home and told his Daddy " I flirted with an old lady", he makes my heart smile. Brooklynn is amazing in her own way. She really enjoys bath time and washing her belly and hair :0- She walks up to ya and starts rambling about things you have no clue about bc you can't understand baby talk but she jabbers for hours and really enjoys being with the boys even if they are a little rough with her at times. SHe's in the stage now of putting things in the toilet ( Zach found a Noah's dress shoe in their last pm), amongst other things. She's got her own personality and its amazing to see her grow everyday as it is to see the boys do the same. My children have brought a light into my life that I hadn't noticed was put out, amazing what happens when you take the time out of your hectic shedual to really watch and observe what is going on under your nose. They interact so much with each other and ask about each other when they are apart, that's true love right there.

Regardelss of how hectic my house or life may be, I cherish the little moments wiht each and everyone of my children and my husband. We have had our difficult and trying times which I'm sure all married people have had at some point but we have made it through the hard times and are planning on spending so many more years together watching each other get older and plan our retirement homes and what our children will do and be when they get older. Noah wants to be a Fireman and in the Army and Zachary wants to operate a trackhoe with a bucket and be just like his Daddy. I hope all their dreams come true and that when hard times hit, they reflect back on how blessed they are that they were able to have a good home, great values and the grace of God with them at all times. I pray my children continue to rely on those they need and get rid of those they dont, that they enjoy everything they do and show as much effort for it as possible. I hope they remain faithful to God as they have been taught and always look to him for guidance when needed. That tey look out for each other nad try not to live outside of their means to remain happy and enjoy all that comes their way. I am blessed to have them and my husband and those friends that I care most about, and my foes as well. May God bless and continue to remain in our lives forever!!

Questions with hate

Growing up we were always taught that hate was a very stong and not so often used word. We were taught that you may dislike someone but you don't hate them... well friends I beg to differ on this one. Yes hate is a very strong word and I can't say as I have ever hated anyone up til this point but that has changed. I have tried and tried to find a different outlook on this situation and this particular person but to no evail has that happened. It's simple I HATE YOU! I hate not only you but the actions you have taken.

When I decided to have children, having a girl was totally out of the question. Until it happened! I have a beautiful, 13 month old who is the light of my world and I will do whatever it takes to keep her safe from evil and people that I can't trust.

It started out that 3 yrs ago I met this wonderful woman and started a friendship that was unlike no other. She's amazing on every level and the bond wasn't instant but it's sure to still be there. Along the way i've gotten to know her a little more over the years and know that every person has a story of some sort to tell, well I got insight into her story and trust me it wasn't easy hurdeling over the walls and road blocks along the way but we have managed some way some how to keep moving forward. When her story came to light, everything changed inside of me for good. Instead of just being her friend I felt like I needed to be her protector, to help her overcome some obsticles and make sure no other was going to put their hands all over her again. Some things have come up and we have drifted very apart but thru it all has been her best friend whom I am ever so grateful for, someone who has been there to guide her, walk with her, be here protector and be her friend. Someone who has not turned their back on her when she needed them the most, just someone to be a confadont and stand up for her. I appreciate that!

Despite the walls and such, I was able to get to know her a little more until more walls came up. but in that time I learned some things that were disturbing to say the least and by whom made it worse. Now I have a story and all just like everyone else but it's different in a sense that I felt the need to take her and make her my own and block the evil from ever touching her or getting to close for comfort. We all know that was impossible but it was what I believed. Everything seemed to be going ok, she has a very good support system and loving family until he showed back up yet again. He's that pesky annoying knat that flies in ur fae in summer time, but he stays year round.

He had some issues and seeked out my help, advice is what he got since people say everyone deserves a second chance. Well yes but under certain circumstances, but I used him. I got out of him what I needed and them the hate returned, this time not only hate but anger and furry. To the point that he tried his damndest to drive a wedge in between me and friends ( this has happened before but by others) and yet someway somehow we manage to be ok. In which case I was ok until this pass Wednesday night when on arrival to church I noticed he was present, it didnt really bother me until I walked into the church and behind the door he was standing.lurking.waiting. Once inside the nursery with my daughter safely in my arms, it hit me like a ton of bricks, the anger and rage and a run of emotions. Which resulted in me departing from the building earlier than I had anticipated. And at that time I was reassured that something was brewing and he woud be departing for good. No longer to sit amongst my children adn others. no longer to be lurking behind doors and waiting to conjure up some type of plan t obring her back into his life and drive out those she needs and wants to be a part of her present and future while he is her past. Needless to say he made his face and presence known yet again yesterday. Totally unexpected and with no way to run I was yet again forced to sit amongst his nasty presence and worship with him in my eyesight. And knowing he and his wife had the nerve to try and contact me twice since the wednesday incident is just uncalled for. U do not deserve to be amongst small children, you do not deserve to be amongst us as a congregation nor do you deserve to still be walking amongst us as citizens whom are free and brave yet you do deserve to have what is coming to you.

I have seen my friend at her highest and her lowest and neither are very pretty. But regardless she pushes forth because she has to, she has to survive, she has to provide the reassurance to herself and to be her childrens protector as well as the voice of millions of others. And I applaud you for that. You have protected many by lettign your story be known and not only my daughter, your daughter but other little girls who may come into contact with him and you have let it be known that he is not the person he is portrayed to be. He is a disgrace to many and I am truely sorry that it has happened to you and what you have ot live with on a daily basis and yes I understand that if it makes me feel anger that you are feeling the effects 100x over. And I am sorry. I appreciate you speaking to me and allowing me to be a part of your life and for having the trust in me as I have in you that until the day we die that our children will be protected as much as possible by both of us.

Five minutes in a room is all I want with him. Hell that's probably all I can handle at this point with him in my presence. I have gotten the confession out of him, the fact that he addmitted what he did was wrong. Now since you have showed no remorce for what you have done, yet you confessed and said that you have told her sorry many times and that you would have a full paycheck for all the times you said sorry.. My fear is ur lying yet again. Considering I have a conversation between you too and you show no type of I'm Sorry what-so-ever, I believe you should rot. If I could have a few minutes with him, I would look him in the eye and ask why, why did u feel the need to take a childs life from her to take her child hood away, something she can't ever get back? Why did you see the need to get your friends involved? To get your cousins in on it? Instead of being her big brother you were her big nightmare, you destroyed her, you took full fledge advantage of her and yet you refer to her as your sister and you as her brother. Nowhere does it say that it's ok to abuse your sibling and get away with it, nowhere does it say you get to rape her over and over and that it's ok. Well did you get your pleasure out of it? Was she that good that you had to feel the need to share? The fact that she is drop dead gorgeous now, does that get to you? The fact that she looks 10x better now than she did, do you fantasise about that? Wishing you could still get your hands on her now, dont you? The need to blackmail her with it years later, the way of always being a recurring face in her dreams and while she's awake. Hell, I bet while your with you wife your thinkin bout how you used to have ur way with ur sister, aren't u? You sit there and say that your wife swears you ruined sex for her, bet u didnt know that thats true with your sister, not only that but you ruined alot for her. You tramatized her tramendiously and yet you don't care one bit. Was it worth it? All the years of you getting yours, was that worth it? The way that she has to piece her life back together while you carry on with yours as if you are king tut and the world owes you something, well hate to break it to you but you owe her something. you owe her the childhood you stole from her from the many years of abuse, the many times you took advantage of situations and placed her in situations that would benefit you and make her feel like she did someting wrong. The many times people have talked shit about her and made you look like the innocent bystander and made her seem as if she was the nasty one, like she is the one that committed the crime and in fact it was you. Did you not feel the need to step up and be the man and say yes I did it and now I am willing to accept what consequences are coming my way? No, no u didn't. To know that you have no thought process on how you should address this issue or that you were in the wrong, simply stating that u said you were sorry to her, is that suppossed to make everything all better? Is that suppossed to reassure her that her life can move on now? Is she suppossed to be reassured that she can sleep at night without waking up seeing your face, or thinking about what you have done to her? The fact that she can't be who she wants because of you, should make you feel like shit but I bet it doesn't. The fact that me as her friend, as a person who loves her in more ways than you will ever know, can't look at her without seeing your face or having a particular scene replayed in my mind just knowing it was you that hurt her so bad makes me see red. makes me want you dead and your only savign grace is her. The one you destroyed, is the one who wont let me harm you. THe one that you deteriorated, assulted, raped, humilitaed, made to feel unwanted, made to feel as if she was worthless, made to feel as if she needed men and that she wasnt good enough, won't allow me to kill you. Only because our children dont need to see me in jail because of a worthless piece of shit like you.

I say our children because I have been a part of her kids lifes since they were young and dont plan on stopping now. The Princess means everything to me, the way she interacts with others and the thought process of a little one yet she seems like she is well into her teen years. She amazes me every time I see her. And Mr. Dynamite himself is just a mess, that it reminds me of somethings I used to do when I was younger. One last and very important question to him would be... Have you ever touched her daughter? It's something that I don't want to know but in a sense I do because that's the nail in your coffin. I swear if you touched the Princess there is no saving grace for you, no one to stand in my face and say you need to leave him alone and let it go, no one to say that I need to handle this in a respectful mannor... Only me and him and I will be the only walking out alive. I can be sure of that.

If you read this and I'm sure you will, I have had questions that I have wanted to ask him for some time now. I feel like now is as good a time as any but I don't trust myself to confront him right at the moment because of the anger and the threat that I may do bodily harm to him, and have no remorse for my actions. I hate that noone protected you, that no one was there for you throughout your years as a young child, that you had no one to turn to becasue of him nad that you felt the way you have for the majority of your life becasue of what he has done to you. I am sorry. I am overjoyed that you have come into my life and have made your presence known, I appreciate all that we have been through, both good and bad becasue it makes me realize we are people and that there are going to be things that we need to overcome and who better to go thru life together than with someone who has been there and done that. I appreciate the fact that no metter what, you are there and I respect the fact that it takes you some time to handle things but that you dont give up. You haven't given up on us and I am surely not the easiest to deal with but you manage just fine. You have been there for me and my family especially the kids and I am thankful for that. You have walked into my life with no thought of walking out and you have changed me, more than you will ever know. I am thankful, greatful and blessed to have ever been able to meet you much less spend the last couple of years being called your friend, I have hurt you and I have caused you pain and yet we move past that, but I stand my ground and keep my word that I willl not leave your side again, EVER! You are stuck with me for good. I am greatful that you have your friend and that she has been the backbone in getting you picked up off the deepths of the darkest hole and brought you back into the light, something I was unable to do because of the feeling I have for you. I'm glad you are able to openly speake and get it out there to people outside your circle and are slowly lowering your walls to those you feel need to know, and that you keep chugging along and protecting our children both boys and girls. It takes little steps and that is exactly what you are doing. Little steps at a time add up over time and I don't ecpect you to be rid of this tomorrow because that takes time also and everyone in their own situations is different and I give you a standing ovation for being the strong, most amazing and beautiful woman I know. I love you Beautimustful !!

Because your mine

Three years ago on October 9th, 2007, I recieved a gift in the form of a 9 lb. 5 oz 21 in. long baby boy. He was chubby in all areas and had a head full of RED hair. No denying he belonged to my husband, considering it looked like i pushed out him only in smaller more handable form. It took him a few weeks to grow into everything like his swing, car seat, and his own head to say the least.

Upon arrival home, Noah was very curious about why this little intruder was in his house and if we could take him back. Considering for Noah's birthday we gave him the news that he would be a big brother, and to him it was all fun n games until he arrived, then it was take him away, I'm the baby. Now the two can't be seperated.



I have watched you grow, learn and morph into a handsome, independant, and very curious little man. You have experienced alot so far in your three years of life and I hope you continue to explore and see all there is thats available to you. make the most of your life and live it for you not for what you thimk others would like you to, or what they will think about you, but just do what you think is right. you have been raised with manners and the bible as a backbone, you know how to use both and you will excel once you put your mind to it. You are an amazing wonderful son and I have been able to experience alot with you including being your care taker, teaching you how to ride your brand new bike, color inbetween the lines, read a book, all your school knowledge and such and how to be a kid and have fun. Our family recieved a blessing when we recieved you and I wouldnt trade that for anything, just to see you prosper and change everyday is a miracle and I love you more and more everyday.
Now you get to share some of the things I have taught you and your brother with your little sister and help her grow and love her, be her protector and best friend. She adores you in the most silly ways like when you tell her " say daddy" and she giggles and u say look mommy Brookalitas laughing, lol. Or when you try and take her out of your room considering she's as big as you and you tell her to slim down she's too heavy. You may fight with your siblings all the time but you also have many good get- along- times with them as well. Like when we took ya'll for ice cream and for a walk along the canal, you guess lite up like Christmas tree lights and had the most fun. We really have enjoyed being a part of your life and hope we can continue for many more years with you.

Your journey along the way has also included some pretty awesome friends. Including Dilliweed, the Princess, and Kadyn and Kai. You are very social and have not met anyone you didn't like, guess you get that from both parents. Treat your friends like family and they will stay around to watch you grow and stay intouch with each other over the years, that's always a good thing to keep in mind as life changes things change, nad time flies. Stay young as long as possible and dont rush things son, enjoy your life and never take for granted what you have just be blessed for what you dont and keep on living. You will have regrets along the way and ppl will try and take advantage of you and just tyr and bring you down with negativity, but be strong and push thru. With the infuences from the people you have in your life now, I think all will work out and you will enjoy each other. You love being around them and vice versa, enjoy your life son, and remember we are all here for you becasue we LOVE YOU!!!! I'm so glad God chose this family to be your and that we were blessed with a child who is healthy and happy and very lovable as we have all seen in the past. We will love you til the end and beyond.

God's Gift

Two years ago God took a huge part of me away and made him an Angel. One year ago I recieved that angel back in the form of a beautiful baby girl. God takes away sometimes but he always gives back, often times in other forms than what it was before. I had always said I didnt want a little girl, but over the course of her life I have changed my outlook on many things one being her mother. She has taught me so much that my boys haven't, yet she has fit right in just like one of the boys. I have since regained a pretty good portion of what has been gone for so long and am at ease with the wya it has turned out. My little boy was what I had wanted, hence my husband always wanting a girl.. He now has that. The mystery of it is that what I wanted was not what was ment to be but rather what my husband wanted is what has brought us together.

Brooklynn has brought us so much that not necessarily was lacking but was not shown before and now its all out there. Despite our pasts we are committed to raising our children to the best of our ability and nothing short of that. When I was told of her being a her, the security levels jumped and the mother instincts kicked in, I will not allow my child to endure what I have nor any of my children for that part.

She has been the joy of everyone life from the boys taking over the roles of big brothers to her daddy spoiling her every nite with a father daughter time before she lovingly falls asleep in his arms. She has advanced so much from the little fishy pod growing inside of me to this independant child who wants nothing more than to be involved in everything she possibly can throughout the day, not missing a single beat :0- From the unique things she invents to the way she smiles at everyone to the way she sleeps and every thing in between, I couldn't have designed a better daughter for my family and I... She is just plain AMAZING!!!!

Letter to Brayden... Your 2 now!!!

Dear brayden,

Two years ago today I gave birth to you. I delivered you way before you were due but it was God's plan to happen that way, or so I have to keep telling myself. Out of all the things that have happened to me, loseing you was ultimately the hardest. Every time I see a child around your age I wonder what you could be doing or what you would do if you were around. I wonder if you would be an outdoorsman like your daddy or a athlete like your mama. If you would be like your brothers and love to play in dirt and see how far they can go before mama explodes or if you would just be laid back like your sister, either way you are my little angel. After thoughts and wonders I have declared that God took you inorder to give me your sister. You were sick in ways i would'nt have fully understood until I met you. You were amazing to have growing inside of me and to know that I was giving life to you is something that no one can take away. i have done wrong in my life and have had wrong done to me but that pain does'nt amount to the emptiness I got from your loss. Everyone can say that they know how I feel but if they have not been through it, they wont be able to fathem the empty feeling thats left behind. people experience things differently from loss of houses to a fire or loss of a pet or job or a family member getting cancer and we all say at one time or another that it wont ever happen to me and them BAM it does. How do you react then? Or when someone says well what would you do if it was you and you answer to the best of your ability but really do we know how we will react? Not only until it happens do we know and then it's more of a shock and your reactions are frozen. To say i would do this or that and then when it happens and you dont do what you said you would, who stands to be the fool then? I still remember the words that man spoke to me and the fact that all I wanted to do was cry and hold you so bad, instead your dad just wanted me to hold your brother. Of all things all I wanted was you and to wake up fro mthat bad dream in hopes that it was a big mistake and you were alright that maybe he made a miscalculation and that the pains were unreal, like it was all in my head or something. If I have ever been crazy I would have loved for it to have been then, but reality is I lost you. I just want 45 minutes with you to hold you again and just get lost in the moment of having my baby boy with me. It's prolly a good thing you are not here to see all the things I have screwed up recently, I wouldn't have wanted them to affect you, much less for you to be just like me. I dont even want your siblings to be anything like me but to be themselves.Until next time remeber that your mama loves you and misses you dearly. i love you my little angel :)-

Have u ever??

Bare ur soul, isn't that what people want us to do? The ones who have been through it all, and never want to go through it again. The one's who stand back and ask y me? Y would this happen and Y were you not there for me when I needed you the most? Have you ever felt like standing on the outside of your life and look in on what is going on to get a better view of what your life is like and how to make it better? Have you ever felt like you were living a double life? Like when u first discovered who you were say like 11 yrs ago, and what you wouldn't give to be that happy again. How your married with a family now and instead of being overly excited like you should considering you have all the blessings, you are miserable and dying inside. The fact that the past holds alot of your memories both good and bad, and yet you hold on to that as if you can change the present to match what you had back then. Or the fact that "The one" has came around after years of searching and yet you can't have it? To fall in love with someone and tell them only to realize it won't ever be, not only to the fact that both parties are married but that feelings may be viewed differently by each person. The fact that a person can fall hard for one person and that's all they want, in the back of their mind they know it's wrong not only bc of the marriage but bc it's not godly. The feelings that are there can't be expressed but instead stay bottled up for what? Hope that one day you get the courage to truely tell that person what you think of them, what you really want from them, that you want to be normal, that you want to have that love that makes everyone else so happy, to stop living in a fog and actually love what you have. To live the life that so many have and that others would give up in a heartbeat? The thing is I try.. I try to be that friend that's needed, and I try to just leave it at that, but really what's inside is I Love you. To love someone is different from being in love with someone. It's like a love/lust type of thing. Everyone knows I don't say ILY unless I actually mean it and in turn I do, it's I just don't tell anyone nor everyone that I love them. But it's different for this person, it's hard to explain really. You can love someone and end up leaving them for what, really? Nothing at all. For the fact that things come between us that we have no control over that inturn makes us grow, or so they say. But then someone comes along who is perfect in everyway not only looks but personality and everything in between. And you can't have it! You can't have it because it's not right, the difference in feelings, the fact that you both are married, and that after the way you have acted in the past it wouldn't work regardless of no other obstacles in the way... it won't ever work. The fact is that regardless of what life has to offer, I want waht is in the fast. I've loved and I've lost, and yes at the same time, but what I really want is soemthing that I really won't have. What do you do then? To sit back and realize you are blessed beyond means and yet you are unhappy on every level and yet you keep that famly togetherness and happy little smile in hopes people wont see thru it but yet you keep everything inside and let it eat you from the inside out. Or the fact that when you are around that someone, you want nothing more than to make them happy, even if that means being without you or the fact that you still get butterflys when they walk in the room, when everything seems to go wrong, when the world around you seems to crumble, you have the memories of the past to resort back to and know that somewhere in there is the love that you once had for that special someone or vice versa. have you ever had that??

Randomness

Have u ever been driving down the road or riding on a long trip and just started thinkning of random things? I'm sure everyone has but really how odd has ur thoughts been? Ranging from lets see if we hit this tree going top speed if we can fl thru the tree and walk away in one piece to things pertaining to God. Things like Who created GOD? I know it's a retarded question since we all know that he is just here, it's God after all. He created Adam and from Adam came Eve and all creations after that. And from Mary came Jesus but really where did that man in the sky come from? Apparently after being stumped and having an odd look for miles my oh so loving hubby looks at me and goes " OH NO", what's that suppossed to mean? Well, everyone knows that most of my thinking is done outside the walls of my house and he has bugun to realize that when I have a dumbfounded look on my face that something is being constructed. After asking him questions and stumping him I recieve the " ask phillip or ur Granny", so after thoughts of not wanting to sound like a retard I asked Granny, ha can't possibly ask the preacher now can we :) I have come to the conclusion that he is just that: a man in the sky that we pray to, ask of things from, and recieve blessings from. Whom we will one day meet at the golden gates and on judgment day account for all the things that he keeps in his littlw black book just for all of us. On another note when I was younger and my grandmother used to take me and my brother to church( was raised in a Baptist, now raising my children in a Church of Christ) we would sit for hours on end and she would admire how being yrs younger than my brother that I managed to sit still through the whole service while he was antsy and rarely paid attention. So after all the not-paying-attention yrs came this question: If everyone says at funnerals and even to ppl that are still living, we will see you again, do what? U can't possibly be thinking of when u get to Heaven, if u get there, that u will see this person again... Oh yes this is what I thought. If someone says I see u again on the other side, how is that possible? So being young I asked Granny again if ppl die and u put em in fancy clothes and nice jewels and apparently the only thing that actually makes it to Heaven is the spirit, how do u see Joe Fro in Heaven on the other side????? Really... U don't! I mean the spirit don't have eyes or a body so really what is it that u see??? It's not like u stand in line and Aunt Jamima is standing 3 ppl up and u an walk up and strick a conversation about buttery pancakes, after all do they have pancakes in Heaven?? I'm hungry, nevermind. Anyways, those are a few crazy questions that over the years my lil brain has thought of and still have no answers but maybe one day will, who knows. :)-

Thoughts.....

Ha here goes, no one reading this is going to respond, but that's fine it's me. Alright so I haven't ever wanted kids but the decisions I have made resulted in me having delivered 4 kids. RIP Brayden but it's just that I have children that now I have to take care of. After the birth of my daughter I pushed her away for the most part. Y u ask? Well it's the thought of having a girl and the evil around that makes me uneasy and yes I should take care of her and protect her but honestly I dont want her. I dont want any of my children but God has given them to me and now I have them, and it's my responsibility to take care of them. Thoughts of suicide have entered my mind as a way to get away from them and everything going on, but that would be an easy way out, right? Easy to push people, easy to take a cop out, easy to rid my life of those that are needed and easy for me to say something and act in a way to cover up true feelings. I have ran away from alot in my past from the abuse to becoming the abuser. I have not always made the right decisions nor have I always agreed with the ones I have made, but that's just it I made them and now I have to accept what is going to happen to me. I feel like my service to my country was not fulfilled at all and am now in the process of trying to finish what I started. With me I feel now I need to finish everything I started inorder to turn my life around for the better. Since my children are looking at me as their mother, it's time to step up and accept what I have and stop taking it for granted and accept what I have been given. Everyone that comes into your life is sent by God right? Well that's just it, i haven't accepted everyone in my life for what they are or who they are, instead i took things for granted and thought that no matter how I acted or what I said or did they would always be around. boy was I wrong on every level! change is good and now seems as better time as any to start a change, first accepting the children that I have and the fact that everyone is healthy and perfect in everyway. They are mine, given to me to take care of until it's time to give them back to the Lord. Friends also need to be treated the same way, respected for their thoughts and the fact that they don't leave you when you act like an Ass or that no matter what they are there when everyone else runs and hides. I have taken alot of my friendships for granted in the past not knowing that I was breaking them down mentally and physically as well as other ways by dealing with someone who is so bullheaded as me. Not giving them the respect and privacy they need, honoring their words, and being the friend they asked for not what I wanted to be is what ceased alot of things in my life. As a person I owe alot of people alot more than what I have given them in the past. I have benefited from alot of things and ways that have been shown to me and I'm grateful for what others have shared and now it's time for me to return that favor and give back to others as has been done unto me. My military service and school are a priority and as I proceed to carry out the duty of a soldier, I brace myself for what others will think of me and they way i go about my life with moving on with a change. Everything will work out just fine and I will succeed in finsihing what I started and that's the oath to serve and protect my country. Here's to ya!

Updating Braydon

Hey lil man,
Well I figured I would give you an update as to what's going on in this here far land called earth. We registered ur big brother Noah for school and he is super excited to go, so wish I could register you for kindergarten in a few yrs but I'm sure you will learn everything u need to know from those above:) Zach is acting like a crash victim and a sycamore tree, he runs into everything and has a black eye and bruises, but he's a boy, right. And ur sister has baby PMS she is on a constint roll but is growing so fast. She crawls, messes up the DVD's and trries to stay one step ahead of everyone else. At 7 months she amazes me, well as did all of u kids. Daddy got his probation switched and we can now travel and live like a normal family, unlike the last few years, it's been a mess for your sibilings just glad they are small enough to not really know what that whole situation was about. Last Thursday we lost a great man, friend and employee of our business that me and Daddy own, his name is Patrick Buchanan ( Patty Wack), if ya see him lat him know who u r, he'll take care of you like he did ur brothers and sister. He loved them and I can remember them rolling on the floor laughing and tickeling each other and playin like boys do. He was the best trackhoe operator around and to only be 20 he had a great head on his shoulders and awesome potential to succeed in whatever he wanted and that was to be outside running equipment and possibly the business when me and ur Daddy went on vacation, he was a honest trustworthy kid who I thought of as a little big brother, he was simply amazing. Now our relationship hadn't always been that way, when he first started working for your dad about 3 yrs ago, I couldn't stand him. Thought he was the most arrogent, self-centered, disrespectful kid around. He would damage something and not say a word, leave early and not return for work for days. But after his near death experience a yr ago it changed him like 360 type of change. He turned into someone I wanted and liked to be around and could trust him with ur brothers. He was responsible, hard working and a leader. He was more than a friend he was family and now our business will never b the same without patty wack. I would call him the night before work and give him instructions and the next morning i would get a call about updates and when I showed up on the site, he would b updating me again. He would use his radio to talk crap to each other and crack jokes about everyone else, we had a blast. You would have enjoyed his company also, well now you can and I'm sure you'll giggle and him just like we did the years we had him here. i have to get ur brothers ready and stop ur sister from crying again, all so Mommy can have away from kid time and enjoy lunch with ur Aunt Bebe, you would love her also, we sure do!( She's Zach's girlfriend), atleast that's what he says :)

Love you so much and can't wait to see you again, take care my little angel and continue to watch over your family as we wait to meet you again:)

Love, Mommy

Hard to say

I've been doin much thinkin in the past and finally after playin it off and pushin everything to the side, keepin busy with house work, kids and odds n ends, he it is. Everyone has a past and no matter what everyone has come out of it ok or soso, so while a few ppl know certain things about mine no one in particular knows everything about me. After keeping it inside for many years and really acting as if I was normal in everyway well here it is... IM Not in so many ways. The past holds a fact and that is that I was raped. I took him to court and at the hearing got scared and ran, well theres more it happened more than that time and by someone else whom I looked up to. Damn this is harder than I thought as I sit here writting this tears are welling up, My oh so loving Brother, yes I said it the one person who I looked up to and who took me under his wing as his sister and was my everything when I was younger took full advantage of me and had no remorse. No it's not a joke or a copy it happened and yes if u would have asked I would have been hesitant but I would have told u and only u! Anyways I'm shaking so I wont go into details with that but at 15 I grew up and took full care of a friend with 2 failed marriages, 2 kids and MS, so yes it's life I had it happen and for sonmehow, some reason I moved on and now at 25 I have 3 kids, a husband whom I cant talk to, and a life that some may want but it's nothing special. I like where I am now and through the strength of others have been able to go forward with life and act as if it didnt happen or let it bother me til now, hmmm. WEll there ya have it, it's whats been eating at me but I'm not letting it effect me any longer and I will continue to grow and be the best I can b. It's life I lived through it for so long I can continue to live through it until I die!!!

Going thru memories

Ha I don't ever blog anymore more less from lack of thoughts to write. Well just to start DUKE is the team, just makin it known. Decided to try and wash my truck today and then got completely sidetracked when after going through baby B's room I discovered more things that needed to b placed in the shed. So out we went me and my sidekick Noah to wash mommy's truck only to clean the shed. I proceeded to go thro bags of clothes that had belonged to my 2 yr old and some that were bought for my lil angel brayden ( yes ur mother finally parted with your belongings) :( anyways, I have baged up the clothes and moved on to going through boxes only to find pics of noah when he was a baby and all his hospital tags, etc..... Upon going thru boxes I found a journal from when I was like 15.... WOW!!!! It was odd but realy good to read considering I only used the journal for like 5 days, yeah I know sooo much writing.... It had an insert about my younger years and how ppl view God and how I viewed him and that my faith was not nearly as strong as it should be and so forth, kinda boring but was nice to see hwat I thought about back then even though so much was going thru my little head back then. I think I will continue to write in it now that I have another one that needs to b used as well. If only I could remember or much less find time since I am so far behind in the kids' baby books and keeping up with the memories we have shared and the new ones to be made. Yesterday was Noah's bday party and it's undescribable how much excitement was on his face and the fun he had bowlin and sharing fun with his friends, just amazing. So glad that after all the times I yell and get on him about numerous things, that deep down their is hope of sharing joys together with him and just relax and enjoy the time we have together since he seems to grow more and more everyday. I really need to slow down and make more time for my children and take the time to show them the things they need to know and stop doing everything for them instead show then and teach and grow with them more, just enjoy them is all I really need to do. Well speaking of time to take, I am taking this time to go and spend with my oh so loving hubby layin on the couch watchin the news , so to all who views this may this not be the last blog I write but it is what it is for now. Boring or not it's a blog and it's mine..... So see ya later!!!!!