Hello my sweet boy,
I promised you an update and here it is. Today has been a gloomy day, but no worries it will get better. I have great news... Your Lil sis is finally here, as you already know. Her name is Brooklynn Carol Johnson and she is amazing. I had no clue I could be this happy with a little girl despite all the evil things that happen, I'm here to protect her to the best of my ability-- it's a parents responsibility. When days like this occur I sit and think about you and your siblings and how much I need you to get through life's trials and tribulations. I didn't know how someone so small could have such an affect on me in many ways and all for the good. You kids are the glue that keeps mommy together and going, who knows where I'd be without having children and settling down with your daddy. Brooklynn is the exactly what I would have wanted my daughter to be. She's calm, mild tempered, and just easy going-- of course all of this is for now but you know. The boy's can't get enough of her and your daddy drools over her pics all the time. He's so content now that the family is complete with four children and a devoted mother and father, what more could we want??? One day all will be together and we can sit back on God's porch swing and reminisce about the past and future since we'll all be together again. By no means should you think that you have been replaced.. That was not ever our intentions considering we would have kept going for a girl after your birth, just to make you a big brother also. So now you can ran and tell your little angel friends that your officially a big brother and you have a beautiful baby sister. Who knows maybe she has some of your features or may even be the exact same image of you. It makes me wonder if you two are communicating sometimes when she lays there just smiling and giggling.. they say it's babies seeing angels, so how many times have you paid us a visit?? Many if you go by what B's face reveals. Feel free to swing by at 2:30am when we're feeding her or when she's fussy I'm sure you can calm her fears and dry her tears, she would love that. OK it's turned into a mommy ramble so I'm going to let you go now but until next time please remember we love you and keep on eye on your siblings while your playing and anytime you think of them you can pay a visit, they would like that regardless of if they know it's you or not. We love you sweet child.
Love, Mommy
Always and Forever
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Ok blogging here we go. I have about 6 or 7 weeks to go before our beautiful baby girl arrives, which makes me nervous. Not that having a baby is the nervous part or anything it's just the whole surgery and c-section thing. Just being in the operating room fileted open gives me goose bumps knowing anything can happen and the scary part would be leaving my husband alone to take care of 3 kids. So alot of prayers will be said and possibly a trip to the hospital sanctuary on the morning of delivery, just to calm my nerves which may or may not help who knows. knowing that once everything is said and done, a healthy baby girl will be ours to care for until God calls her home since we live on borrowed time. The anxiety is building just to know that one day I'll be able to see what and who she looks like, hold her and feed her but most of all protect her. Protect her from harm and those she's needs to be protected from, all the while giving her the life she deserves. With a great support team and a loving family this will all be possible through them and God. Til the day we meet little one, know that mommy is going to do her best to take care of you and provide what you need until we meet face to face.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Letter to Brayden
Hello my sweet little Angel,
Hope your days in Heaven are the best. Well my son, one year ago today you went to live with God. Not a day goes by that I don't think in some way about you and wish for a moment I was back in the delivery room holding you in my hand. Just 3 weeks prior to your departure from this earth, I heard your little heartbeat loud and strong. Then it all happened.
The morning of June 29, 2008 I awoke with severe abdominal pains. Contacted the doctor who instructed me to rest for a few weeks and everything would be OK, boy were they wrong! The pains continued throughout the day and even after your daddy noticed them, a quick trip to the ER is was I got. After countless hours and pains progressing, we received the the news that our little boy was no longer alive. I will never forget the look on the ultrasound techs face when he said there was nothing else he could do, he was just sorry for our loss. I was in shock and moreover denial. For the longest time thought is was something i had done or not did as a mother. I was supposed to protect you, instead I lost you.
Once admitted to the hospital, I delivered you at 5:03 AM on June 29, 2008. Yes today you turn 1. Happy Birthday my son. The best feeling after the trauma was holding you in my hand for 45 minutes and trying to imagine who you looked like, to me it's your daddy. I just couldn't get over how peaceful you seemed and how perfect you looked. The nurses and doctor took good care of you and we made arrangements to have you cremated after we left the hospital.
Me and you Dad received two pictures of our precious son and a crib card along with a blanket that they took your picture on-- yes you have your own blanket. Daddy didn't want them but I took them anyways. I carried your cards and pics around for a while til Mr.Jeff made you a shadow box to hang in the nursery with all your belongings and info inside. As I was being wheeled out of the hospital, we went past the nursery and I tried looking for you. I refused to leave but realized I had to. It took a few weeks to get past the extreme emotions and loneliness of not having you, but understand we had to in a way to care for your big brothers.
If they only knew. And one day they will, I promise. Your oldest brother Noah is such a big helper and a daddy's boy. He's independent and shows your other brother Zach everything he knows. Wish you were he to follow in their footsteps. Zachary is almost tow now and is 100 miles an hour, just imagine how you would be. It's amazing how much they draw to your daddy everyday, I guarantee you would also he's an awesome father.
Think you'd be happy to know that in a few months you will be a big brother. We are expecting your little sister Brooklynn in early September and if you listen close enough you may hear her yell a few times. We don't have the ability to be there for your first everything like when you learn to ride a bike or say your first words or make funny faces but the moments we had with you are priceless. I'd give anything to have you back but God deemed it necessary to make you an angel earlier than we had expected but I know you made a fine one. One thing I regret not doing when I had the chance, is telling you I Love You. We all do son and you are greatly missed. But regardless we are here thinking of you, waiting til the day we meet again. Take care and watch over your siblings like the angel I know you are, until next time Mommy Loves You.
Love Mommy
Hope your days in Heaven are the best. Well my son, one year ago today you went to live with God. Not a day goes by that I don't think in some way about you and wish for a moment I was back in the delivery room holding you in my hand. Just 3 weeks prior to your departure from this earth, I heard your little heartbeat loud and strong. Then it all happened.
The morning of June 29, 2008 I awoke with severe abdominal pains. Contacted the doctor who instructed me to rest for a few weeks and everything would be OK, boy were they wrong! The pains continued throughout the day and even after your daddy noticed them, a quick trip to the ER is was I got. After countless hours and pains progressing, we received the the news that our little boy was no longer alive. I will never forget the look on the ultrasound techs face when he said there was nothing else he could do, he was just sorry for our loss. I was in shock and moreover denial. For the longest time thought is was something i had done or not did as a mother. I was supposed to protect you, instead I lost you.
Once admitted to the hospital, I delivered you at 5:03 AM on June 29, 2008. Yes today you turn 1. Happy Birthday my son. The best feeling after the trauma was holding you in my hand for 45 minutes and trying to imagine who you looked like, to me it's your daddy. I just couldn't get over how peaceful you seemed and how perfect you looked. The nurses and doctor took good care of you and we made arrangements to have you cremated after we left the hospital.
Me and you Dad received two pictures of our precious son and a crib card along with a blanket that they took your picture on-- yes you have your own blanket. Daddy didn't want them but I took them anyways. I carried your cards and pics around for a while til Mr.Jeff made you a shadow box to hang in the nursery with all your belongings and info inside. As I was being wheeled out of the hospital, we went past the nursery and I tried looking for you. I refused to leave but realized I had to. It took a few weeks to get past the extreme emotions and loneliness of not having you, but understand we had to in a way to care for your big brothers.
If they only knew. And one day they will, I promise. Your oldest brother Noah is such a big helper and a daddy's boy. He's independent and shows your other brother Zach everything he knows. Wish you were he to follow in their footsteps. Zachary is almost tow now and is 100 miles an hour, just imagine how you would be. It's amazing how much they draw to your daddy everyday, I guarantee you would also he's an awesome father.
Think you'd be happy to know that in a few months you will be a big brother. We are expecting your little sister Brooklynn in early September and if you listen close enough you may hear her yell a few times. We don't have the ability to be there for your first everything like when you learn to ride a bike or say your first words or make funny faces but the moments we had with you are priceless. I'd give anything to have you back but God deemed it necessary to make you an angel earlier than we had expected but I know you made a fine one. One thing I regret not doing when I had the chance, is telling you I Love You. We all do son and you are greatly missed. But regardless we are here thinking of you, waiting til the day we meet again. Take care and watch over your siblings like the angel I know you are, until next time Mommy Loves You.
Love Mommy
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