Have u ever??

Bare ur soul, isn't that what people want us to do? The ones who have been through it all, and never want to go through it again. The one's who stand back and ask y me? Y would this happen and Y were you not there for me when I needed you the most? Have you ever felt like standing on the outside of your life and look in on what is going on to get a better view of what your life is like and how to make it better? Have you ever felt like you were living a double life? Like when u first discovered who you were say like 11 yrs ago, and what you wouldn't give to be that happy again. How your married with a family now and instead of being overly excited like you should considering you have all the blessings, you are miserable and dying inside. The fact that the past holds alot of your memories both good and bad, and yet you hold on to that as if you can change the present to match what you had back then. Or the fact that "The one" has came around after years of searching and yet you can't have it? To fall in love with someone and tell them only to realize it won't ever be, not only to the fact that both parties are married but that feelings may be viewed differently by each person. The fact that a person can fall hard for one person and that's all they want, in the back of their mind they know it's wrong not only bc of the marriage but bc it's not godly. The feelings that are there can't be expressed but instead stay bottled up for what? Hope that one day you get the courage to truely tell that person what you think of them, what you really want from them, that you want to be normal, that you want to have that love that makes everyone else so happy, to stop living in a fog and actually love what you have. To live the life that so many have and that others would give up in a heartbeat? The thing is I try.. I try to be that friend that's needed, and I try to just leave it at that, but really what's inside is I Love you. To love someone is different from being in love with someone. It's like a love/lust type of thing. Everyone knows I don't say ILY unless I actually mean it and in turn I do, it's I just don't tell anyone nor everyone that I love them. But it's different for this person, it's hard to explain really. You can love someone and end up leaving them for what, really? Nothing at all. For the fact that things come between us that we have no control over that inturn makes us grow, or so they say. But then someone comes along who is perfect in everyway not only looks but personality and everything in between. And you can't have it! You can't have it because it's not right, the difference in feelings, the fact that you both are married, and that after the way you have acted in the past it wouldn't work regardless of no other obstacles in the way... it won't ever work. The fact is that regardless of what life has to offer, I want waht is in the fast. I've loved and I've lost, and yes at the same time, but what I really want is soemthing that I really won't have. What do you do then? To sit back and realize you are blessed beyond means and yet you are unhappy on every level and yet you keep that famly togetherness and happy little smile in hopes people wont see thru it but yet you keep everything inside and let it eat you from the inside out. Or the fact that when you are around that someone, you want nothing more than to make them happy, even if that means being without you or the fact that you still get butterflys when they walk in the room, when everything seems to go wrong, when the world around you seems to crumble, you have the memories of the past to resort back to and know that somewhere in there is the love that you once had for that special someone or vice versa. have you ever had that??

Randomness

Have u ever been driving down the road or riding on a long trip and just started thinkning of random things? I'm sure everyone has but really how odd has ur thoughts been? Ranging from lets see if we hit this tree going top speed if we can fl thru the tree and walk away in one piece to things pertaining to God. Things like Who created GOD? I know it's a retarded question since we all know that he is just here, it's God after all. He created Adam and from Adam came Eve and all creations after that. And from Mary came Jesus but really where did that man in the sky come from? Apparently after being stumped and having an odd look for miles my oh so loving hubby looks at me and goes " OH NO", what's that suppossed to mean? Well, everyone knows that most of my thinking is done outside the walls of my house and he has bugun to realize that when I have a dumbfounded look on my face that something is being constructed. After asking him questions and stumping him I recieve the " ask phillip or ur Granny", so after thoughts of not wanting to sound like a retard I asked Granny, ha can't possibly ask the preacher now can we :) I have come to the conclusion that he is just that: a man in the sky that we pray to, ask of things from, and recieve blessings from. Whom we will one day meet at the golden gates and on judgment day account for all the things that he keeps in his littlw black book just for all of us. On another note when I was younger and my grandmother used to take me and my brother to church( was raised in a Baptist, now raising my children in a Church of Christ) we would sit for hours on end and she would admire how being yrs younger than my brother that I managed to sit still through the whole service while he was antsy and rarely paid attention. So after all the not-paying-attention yrs came this question: If everyone says at funnerals and even to ppl that are still living, we will see you again, do what? U can't possibly be thinking of when u get to Heaven, if u get there, that u will see this person again... Oh yes this is what I thought. If someone says I see u again on the other side, how is that possible? So being young I asked Granny again if ppl die and u put em in fancy clothes and nice jewels and apparently the only thing that actually makes it to Heaven is the spirit, how do u see Joe Fro in Heaven on the other side????? Really... U don't! I mean the spirit don't have eyes or a body so really what is it that u see??? It's not like u stand in line and Aunt Jamima is standing 3 ppl up and u an walk up and strick a conversation about buttery pancakes, after all do they have pancakes in Heaven?? I'm hungry, nevermind. Anyways, those are a few crazy questions that over the years my lil brain has thought of and still have no answers but maybe one day will, who knows. :)-