Thoughts.....

Ha here goes, no one reading this is going to respond, but that's fine it's me. Alright so I haven't ever wanted kids but the decisions I have made resulted in me having delivered 4 kids. RIP Brayden but it's just that I have children that now I have to take care of. After the birth of my daughter I pushed her away for the most part. Y u ask? Well it's the thought of having a girl and the evil around that makes me uneasy and yes I should take care of her and protect her but honestly I dont want her. I dont want any of my children but God has given them to me and now I have them, and it's my responsibility to take care of them. Thoughts of suicide have entered my mind as a way to get away from them and everything going on, but that would be an easy way out, right? Easy to push people, easy to take a cop out, easy to rid my life of those that are needed and easy for me to say something and act in a way to cover up true feelings. I have ran away from alot in my past from the abuse to becoming the abuser. I have not always made the right decisions nor have I always agreed with the ones I have made, but that's just it I made them and now I have to accept what is going to happen to me. I feel like my service to my country was not fulfilled at all and am now in the process of trying to finish what I started. With me I feel now I need to finish everything I started inorder to turn my life around for the better. Since my children are looking at me as their mother, it's time to step up and accept what I have and stop taking it for granted and accept what I have been given. Everyone that comes into your life is sent by God right? Well that's just it, i haven't accepted everyone in my life for what they are or who they are, instead i took things for granted and thought that no matter how I acted or what I said or did they would always be around. boy was I wrong on every level! change is good and now seems as better time as any to start a change, first accepting the children that I have and the fact that everyone is healthy and perfect in everyway. They are mine, given to me to take care of until it's time to give them back to the Lord. Friends also need to be treated the same way, respected for their thoughts and the fact that they don't leave you when you act like an Ass or that no matter what they are there when everyone else runs and hides. I have taken alot of my friendships for granted in the past not knowing that I was breaking them down mentally and physically as well as other ways by dealing with someone who is so bullheaded as me. Not giving them the respect and privacy they need, honoring their words, and being the friend they asked for not what I wanted to be is what ceased alot of things in my life. As a person I owe alot of people alot more than what I have given them in the past. I have benefited from alot of things and ways that have been shown to me and I'm grateful for what others have shared and now it's time for me to return that favor and give back to others as has been done unto me. My military service and school are a priority and as I proceed to carry out the duty of a soldier, I brace myself for what others will think of me and they way i go about my life with moving on with a change. Everything will work out just fine and I will succeed in finsihing what I started and that's the oath to serve and protect my country. Here's to ya!