Been a while

Well hallur there figured since i am sitting here at work with the plant shut down I figured i would jot down a lil bit of what has been going on. First off, about 3.5 yrs ago I misscarried my son adn that was the silent start of my marriage deteriorating. We have since stopped going to church, doing family functions, and have even discussed divorce. Now all of this has had a negative affect on the children and us as well. I had recently started working about 4ish months ago just to get out of the house, to get away from him and the kids just so I could put off actually having to be a "Mom" and Wife. That has not made me feel any better about anything thats been going on. i have pushed the kids away which is never a good thing considering they were placed in my care by God to be raised in his word and loved for all there days on this earth and yet I have taken that for granted and pretty much abandoned it. I have done things that I am not proud of and not loving my children enough is one of them, turning my back on my husband and our marriage is another. About 3 weeks ago we recieved a call saying my husbands granny and mother were both in failing health, we both pretty much pushed that to the side and carried on with our seperate lives. When I say seperate I refer to the fact that it had gotten to the point that I felt like we were mearly roomates vs. wife and husband. 2 weeks ago we got another call that his mother had fallen for the second time and broke her hip and was in impatient rehab and that his granny was in the hospital for hallucinating and bad health. Well earlier this week we got yet another call stating mom is home and doing rehab and granny has leacions on the brain indicating mini strokes and may not make it to Christmas. Well everyone that knows us knows that we always travel to TX for x-mas to spend with his family, well that has been moved up to a Thanksgiving trip. Yes i realize it's only a few weeks away but number crunching and dates have been set and the kids are sooo excited to be flying in an airplane this time. When it comes to his family we ahve always put that perfect family picture out there to be painted and looked at, regardless of what we have been going thru or feel towards each other we always come together for the holidays. needless to say we have started coming together on things and acting like a real family again. We both take responsibilty when it comes to the bills, kids, and money and each other. We have been spending more time with the kids both as a family and one on one, making financial choices with each others opinion counting, and have really remebered what it was like when we first got married 4 yrs ago. I took some ailing family members to finally make us wake up and realize we were destroying each other and not knowing it.

This past Tuesday we recieved another blow (just as i was beginning to think we were returning to normalcy) my husband has lost his job. Yes the man of the house the one that made triple what I do no longer has an income. Talk about a major blow to a Christian man when the man of the house is always the breadwinner and now those roles have been switched before our eyes. We still have the business and my full time job so we shall be ok. We have each other and our children. I can look at this in a few different ways and say that this is God's way of making us work together and making us rely on the ones we married and building up our leaning marriage. We have taken some actions and now we continue to move forward and be there for each other as well as our children. I want my children to have both of their parents around for them and not just on visitations, want to be able to feel like that old fashioned american family who works, cooks, and does homework together, that plays ball with their children that teaches their kids new things and that worships together. I have managed to keep my kids intact, to build up my marriage and i am proud to say I have an amazing husband that is super smart in medicine, knows how to build a company up and takes leadership to a whole nother level. I know what he is capable of doing and so does he and this will just be a minor setback, he will bouce back with the grace of God. Our next step is getting back into the swing of Faith and instilling into our children that church is an important part of their everyday lives. We work great together and even in hard times manage to come out on top, and this upcoming trip will be a binder for our family like it alwasy is. enuf rambling and such time to return back to work and watch rocks!!!

Yayy Your 3!!!!!!!

Dear Brayden,

Well it's that time again, another year down and another year without you. Your finally three and I hope you have a great birthday in Heaven baby boy. If Heaven wasnt so far away i would bring your brothers and sister for a visit, introduce you to them and let yall play together i know yall would be great together. I wonder everyday what you have achieved and I wonder how much you have grown. I bet you look like your brother and sister who look just like your daddy. They say as time goes by that things will bet better and easier to deal with but that hasn't happened yet since every year that passes it feels like yesterday that you went to become an angel. What I wouldn't give to just hold you one more time and tell you that I Love You and always will. Enjoy your day tomorrow and always remember Mommy loves you and cant wait for the day I get to see you again!!! Happy Birthday my sweet Angel, I love You baby boy!!!!

Love, Mommy

Thankful

As the holidays approach and people reflect on what they are thankful for, I take a moment to sit back and reflect on what I am truely happy and thankful for. I am thankful that back in 2003 I was able to enlist in the miitary and then in 2005 being blessed with a beautiful baby boy. He was totally unexpected but non the less he was a blessing. I am thankful for the loss of my job and the oppertunity to be blessed with another resulting in me meeting the most wonderful man I could have ever met. He has blessed me with a wonderful son in 2007 and beautiful wedding in 2007 and after all we have been through he blessed me again with another son in 2008. I am so blessed to have the ability to claim Brayden as my son and in a way I am ok with saying I am blessed with his passing away. He was taken to be an angel with God because of his birth defects and I was blessed with the abilty to give birth to his beautiful sister the very next year. These past 4 years have been amazing and I can't stress how blessed I was to get out of my previous lifestyle and become a wife and mother and I can't stress how much I love my family. I miss my son and those who have gone before us more than anything right now and the selfish part of me just wants them back even for just a few minutes, hours, days or even a week. I long so much to hold my wonderful son in my arms and let him know how much I love him and that he was always wanted and is truely missed by me and his Daddy.

This year I am also thankful for being able to say that God is in my life for the better and that with him everything will work out no matter how I feel that day or at the particular moment, everything is done for a reason and a purpose and he will see me through it. He has blessed me with more than Icould have asked for, more than I would have wanted but in all honesty it was a very good thing considering my past and the lifestyle I had previous to having children and meeting my amazing husband of almost 4 years. I thank God for blessing me with all he has and what's to come.

i have been able to detox my life and my body over the last few months and I was able to destress and eliminate more than one thing that I no longer need in my life. Things that have brought me down, things I have kept bottled inside and things that are worthless and just needed to be gotten rid off. I have developed relationships with people I normally wouldn't have and I have ended ones with people I thought I couldn't live without. It was hard thinking about it and even in the beginning after it was done, but now reflecting back it was much needed and really should have been done a lot sooner. I was putting myself through emotional strains that were unnecessary and now I realize it was a bunch of bull crap and it was all for no reason at all. What I though really wasnt what it was nor waht it should have been. No more fake smiles for me just straight forward thoughts and the ability to speak whats on my mind regardless of who it may effect or whatever. If you don't want the truth then don't ask me anything.

I am happy in the fact I have a blessed famly who is healthy, who is wealthy in that we have a home that is ours, we have money and we have oppertunitys to advance in what we set out to achive. My husband has been blessed with an amazing oppertunity at work with his company that advancement is available and seems to be easily achieved. I'm blessed in a sense that my children love school ,they love to learn new things and they have. Our oldest Noah was awarded with Perfect Attendance last week and when he came home to show us the award he had the biggest smile on his face and couldn't wait for his Daddy to walk thru the door to tell him about it as well. Zach has learned new songs at school and every night he sits next to me on the couch and asks me to sing them to him. I took him grocery shopping the other night nad he used his manners properly, I was so proud of him. He is doing alot better when I drop him off at school, he no longer cries for me but rather goes right in and picks up with the activities that the other children are doing. He even flirted with an older lady at the checkout and came home and told his Daddy " I flirted with an old lady", he makes my heart smile. Brooklynn is amazing in her own way. She really enjoys bath time and washing her belly and hair :0- She walks up to ya and starts rambling about things you have no clue about bc you can't understand baby talk but she jabbers for hours and really enjoys being with the boys even if they are a little rough with her at times. SHe's in the stage now of putting things in the toilet ( Zach found a Noah's dress shoe in their last pm), amongst other things. She's got her own personality and its amazing to see her grow everyday as it is to see the boys do the same. My children have brought a light into my life that I hadn't noticed was put out, amazing what happens when you take the time out of your hectic shedual to really watch and observe what is going on under your nose. They interact so much with each other and ask about each other when they are apart, that's true love right there.

Regardelss of how hectic my house or life may be, I cherish the little moments wiht each and everyone of my children and my husband. We have had our difficult and trying times which I'm sure all married people have had at some point but we have made it through the hard times and are planning on spending so many more years together watching each other get older and plan our retirement homes and what our children will do and be when they get older. Noah wants to be a Fireman and in the Army and Zachary wants to operate a trackhoe with a bucket and be just like his Daddy. I hope all their dreams come true and that when hard times hit, they reflect back on how blessed they are that they were able to have a good home, great values and the grace of God with them at all times. I pray my children continue to rely on those they need and get rid of those they dont, that they enjoy everything they do and show as much effort for it as possible. I hope they remain faithful to God as they have been taught and always look to him for guidance when needed. That tey look out for each other nad try not to live outside of their means to remain happy and enjoy all that comes their way. I am blessed to have them and my husband and those friends that I care most about, and my foes as well. May God bless and continue to remain in our lives forever!!

Questions with hate

Growing up we were always taught that hate was a very stong and not so often used word. We were taught that you may dislike someone but you don't hate them... well friends I beg to differ on this one. Yes hate is a very strong word and I can't say as I have ever hated anyone up til this point but that has changed. I have tried and tried to find a different outlook on this situation and this particular person but to no evail has that happened. It's simple I HATE YOU! I hate not only you but the actions you have taken.

When I decided to have children, having a girl was totally out of the question. Until it happened! I have a beautiful, 13 month old who is the light of my world and I will do whatever it takes to keep her safe from evil and people that I can't trust.

It started out that 3 yrs ago I met this wonderful woman and started a friendship that was unlike no other. She's amazing on every level and the bond wasn't instant but it's sure to still be there. Along the way i've gotten to know her a little more over the years and know that every person has a story of some sort to tell, well I got insight into her story and trust me it wasn't easy hurdeling over the walls and road blocks along the way but we have managed some way some how to keep moving forward. When her story came to light, everything changed inside of me for good. Instead of just being her friend I felt like I needed to be her protector, to help her overcome some obsticles and make sure no other was going to put their hands all over her again. Some things have come up and we have drifted very apart but thru it all has been her best friend whom I am ever so grateful for, someone who has been there to guide her, walk with her, be here protector and be her friend. Someone who has not turned their back on her when she needed them the most, just someone to be a confadont and stand up for her. I appreciate that!

Despite the walls and such, I was able to get to know her a little more until more walls came up. but in that time I learned some things that were disturbing to say the least and by whom made it worse. Now I have a story and all just like everyone else but it's different in a sense that I felt the need to take her and make her my own and block the evil from ever touching her or getting to close for comfort. We all know that was impossible but it was what I believed. Everything seemed to be going ok, she has a very good support system and loving family until he showed back up yet again. He's that pesky annoying knat that flies in ur fae in summer time, but he stays year round.

He had some issues and seeked out my help, advice is what he got since people say everyone deserves a second chance. Well yes but under certain circumstances, but I used him. I got out of him what I needed and them the hate returned, this time not only hate but anger and furry. To the point that he tried his damndest to drive a wedge in between me and friends ( this has happened before but by others) and yet someway somehow we manage to be ok. In which case I was ok until this pass Wednesday night when on arrival to church I noticed he was present, it didnt really bother me until I walked into the church and behind the door he was standing.lurking.waiting. Once inside the nursery with my daughter safely in my arms, it hit me like a ton of bricks, the anger and rage and a run of emotions. Which resulted in me departing from the building earlier than I had anticipated. And at that time I was reassured that something was brewing and he woud be departing for good. No longer to sit amongst my children adn others. no longer to be lurking behind doors and waiting to conjure up some type of plan t obring her back into his life and drive out those she needs and wants to be a part of her present and future while he is her past. Needless to say he made his face and presence known yet again yesterday. Totally unexpected and with no way to run I was yet again forced to sit amongst his nasty presence and worship with him in my eyesight. And knowing he and his wife had the nerve to try and contact me twice since the wednesday incident is just uncalled for. U do not deserve to be amongst small children, you do not deserve to be amongst us as a congregation nor do you deserve to still be walking amongst us as citizens whom are free and brave yet you do deserve to have what is coming to you.

I have seen my friend at her highest and her lowest and neither are very pretty. But regardless she pushes forth because she has to, she has to survive, she has to provide the reassurance to herself and to be her childrens protector as well as the voice of millions of others. And I applaud you for that. You have protected many by lettign your story be known and not only my daughter, your daughter but other little girls who may come into contact with him and you have let it be known that he is not the person he is portrayed to be. He is a disgrace to many and I am truely sorry that it has happened to you and what you have ot live with on a daily basis and yes I understand that if it makes me feel anger that you are feeling the effects 100x over. And I am sorry. I appreciate you speaking to me and allowing me to be a part of your life and for having the trust in me as I have in you that until the day we die that our children will be protected as much as possible by both of us.

Five minutes in a room is all I want with him. Hell that's probably all I can handle at this point with him in my presence. I have gotten the confession out of him, the fact that he addmitted what he did was wrong. Now since you have showed no remorce for what you have done, yet you confessed and said that you have told her sorry many times and that you would have a full paycheck for all the times you said sorry.. My fear is ur lying yet again. Considering I have a conversation between you too and you show no type of I'm Sorry what-so-ever, I believe you should rot. If I could have a few minutes with him, I would look him in the eye and ask why, why did u feel the need to take a childs life from her to take her child hood away, something she can't ever get back? Why did you see the need to get your friends involved? To get your cousins in on it? Instead of being her big brother you were her big nightmare, you destroyed her, you took full fledge advantage of her and yet you refer to her as your sister and you as her brother. Nowhere does it say that it's ok to abuse your sibling and get away with it, nowhere does it say you get to rape her over and over and that it's ok. Well did you get your pleasure out of it? Was she that good that you had to feel the need to share? The fact that she is drop dead gorgeous now, does that get to you? The fact that she looks 10x better now than she did, do you fantasise about that? Wishing you could still get your hands on her now, dont you? The need to blackmail her with it years later, the way of always being a recurring face in her dreams and while she's awake. Hell, I bet while your with you wife your thinkin bout how you used to have ur way with ur sister, aren't u? You sit there and say that your wife swears you ruined sex for her, bet u didnt know that thats true with your sister, not only that but you ruined alot for her. You tramatized her tramendiously and yet you don't care one bit. Was it worth it? All the years of you getting yours, was that worth it? The way that she has to piece her life back together while you carry on with yours as if you are king tut and the world owes you something, well hate to break it to you but you owe her something. you owe her the childhood you stole from her from the many years of abuse, the many times you took advantage of situations and placed her in situations that would benefit you and make her feel like she did someting wrong. The many times people have talked shit about her and made you look like the innocent bystander and made her seem as if she was the nasty one, like she is the one that committed the crime and in fact it was you. Did you not feel the need to step up and be the man and say yes I did it and now I am willing to accept what consequences are coming my way? No, no u didn't. To know that you have no thought process on how you should address this issue or that you were in the wrong, simply stating that u said you were sorry to her, is that suppossed to make everything all better? Is that suppossed to reassure her that her life can move on now? Is she suppossed to be reassured that she can sleep at night without waking up seeing your face, or thinking about what you have done to her? The fact that she can't be who she wants because of you, should make you feel like shit but I bet it doesn't. The fact that me as her friend, as a person who loves her in more ways than you will ever know, can't look at her without seeing your face or having a particular scene replayed in my mind just knowing it was you that hurt her so bad makes me see red. makes me want you dead and your only savign grace is her. The one you destroyed, is the one who wont let me harm you. THe one that you deteriorated, assulted, raped, humilitaed, made to feel unwanted, made to feel as if she was worthless, made to feel as if she needed men and that she wasnt good enough, won't allow me to kill you. Only because our children dont need to see me in jail because of a worthless piece of shit like you.

I say our children because I have been a part of her kids lifes since they were young and dont plan on stopping now. The Princess means everything to me, the way she interacts with others and the thought process of a little one yet she seems like she is well into her teen years. She amazes me every time I see her. And Mr. Dynamite himself is just a mess, that it reminds me of somethings I used to do when I was younger. One last and very important question to him would be... Have you ever touched her daughter? It's something that I don't want to know but in a sense I do because that's the nail in your coffin. I swear if you touched the Princess there is no saving grace for you, no one to stand in my face and say you need to leave him alone and let it go, no one to say that I need to handle this in a respectful mannor... Only me and him and I will be the only walking out alive. I can be sure of that.

If you read this and I'm sure you will, I have had questions that I have wanted to ask him for some time now. I feel like now is as good a time as any but I don't trust myself to confront him right at the moment because of the anger and the threat that I may do bodily harm to him, and have no remorse for my actions. I hate that noone protected you, that no one was there for you throughout your years as a young child, that you had no one to turn to becasue of him nad that you felt the way you have for the majority of your life becasue of what he has done to you. I am sorry. I am overjoyed that you have come into my life and have made your presence known, I appreciate all that we have been through, both good and bad becasue it makes me realize we are people and that there are going to be things that we need to overcome and who better to go thru life together than with someone who has been there and done that. I appreciate the fact that no metter what, you are there and I respect the fact that it takes you some time to handle things but that you dont give up. You haven't given up on us and I am surely not the easiest to deal with but you manage just fine. You have been there for me and my family especially the kids and I am thankful for that. You have walked into my life with no thought of walking out and you have changed me, more than you will ever know. I am thankful, greatful and blessed to have ever been able to meet you much less spend the last couple of years being called your friend, I have hurt you and I have caused you pain and yet we move past that, but I stand my ground and keep my word that I willl not leave your side again, EVER! You are stuck with me for good. I am greatful that you have your friend and that she has been the backbone in getting you picked up off the deepths of the darkest hole and brought you back into the light, something I was unable to do because of the feeling I have for you. I'm glad you are able to openly speake and get it out there to people outside your circle and are slowly lowering your walls to those you feel need to know, and that you keep chugging along and protecting our children both boys and girls. It takes little steps and that is exactly what you are doing. Little steps at a time add up over time and I don't ecpect you to be rid of this tomorrow because that takes time also and everyone in their own situations is different and I give you a standing ovation for being the strong, most amazing and beautiful woman I know. I love you Beautimustful !!

Because your mine

Three years ago on October 9th, 2007, I recieved a gift in the form of a 9 lb. 5 oz 21 in. long baby boy. He was chubby in all areas and had a head full of RED hair. No denying he belonged to my husband, considering it looked like i pushed out him only in smaller more handable form. It took him a few weeks to grow into everything like his swing, car seat, and his own head to say the least.

Upon arrival home, Noah was very curious about why this little intruder was in his house and if we could take him back. Considering for Noah's birthday we gave him the news that he would be a big brother, and to him it was all fun n games until he arrived, then it was take him away, I'm the baby. Now the two can't be seperated.



I have watched you grow, learn and morph into a handsome, independant, and very curious little man. You have experienced alot so far in your three years of life and I hope you continue to explore and see all there is thats available to you. make the most of your life and live it for you not for what you thimk others would like you to, or what they will think about you, but just do what you think is right. you have been raised with manners and the bible as a backbone, you know how to use both and you will excel once you put your mind to it. You are an amazing wonderful son and I have been able to experience alot with you including being your care taker, teaching you how to ride your brand new bike, color inbetween the lines, read a book, all your school knowledge and such and how to be a kid and have fun. Our family recieved a blessing when we recieved you and I wouldnt trade that for anything, just to see you prosper and change everyday is a miracle and I love you more and more everyday.
Now you get to share some of the things I have taught you and your brother with your little sister and help her grow and love her, be her protector and best friend. She adores you in the most silly ways like when you tell her " say daddy" and she giggles and u say look mommy Brookalitas laughing, lol. Or when you try and take her out of your room considering she's as big as you and you tell her to slim down she's too heavy. You may fight with your siblings all the time but you also have many good get- along- times with them as well. Like when we took ya'll for ice cream and for a walk along the canal, you guess lite up like Christmas tree lights and had the most fun. We really have enjoyed being a part of your life and hope we can continue for many more years with you.

Your journey along the way has also included some pretty awesome friends. Including Dilliweed, the Princess, and Kadyn and Kai. You are very social and have not met anyone you didn't like, guess you get that from both parents. Treat your friends like family and they will stay around to watch you grow and stay intouch with each other over the years, that's always a good thing to keep in mind as life changes things change, nad time flies. Stay young as long as possible and dont rush things son, enjoy your life and never take for granted what you have just be blessed for what you dont and keep on living. You will have regrets along the way and ppl will try and take advantage of you and just tyr and bring you down with negativity, but be strong and push thru. With the infuences from the people you have in your life now, I think all will work out and you will enjoy each other. You love being around them and vice versa, enjoy your life son, and remember we are all here for you becasue we LOVE YOU!!!! I'm so glad God chose this family to be your and that we were blessed with a child who is healthy and happy and very lovable as we have all seen in the past. We will love you til the end and beyond.

God's Gift

Two years ago God took a huge part of me away and made him an Angel. One year ago I recieved that angel back in the form of a beautiful baby girl. God takes away sometimes but he always gives back, often times in other forms than what it was before. I had always said I didnt want a little girl, but over the course of her life I have changed my outlook on many things one being her mother. She has taught me so much that my boys haven't, yet she has fit right in just like one of the boys. I have since regained a pretty good portion of what has been gone for so long and am at ease with the wya it has turned out. My little boy was what I had wanted, hence my husband always wanting a girl.. He now has that. The mystery of it is that what I wanted was not what was ment to be but rather what my husband wanted is what has brought us together.

Brooklynn has brought us so much that not necessarily was lacking but was not shown before and now its all out there. Despite our pasts we are committed to raising our children to the best of our ability and nothing short of that. When I was told of her being a her, the security levels jumped and the mother instincts kicked in, I will not allow my child to endure what I have nor any of my children for that part.

She has been the joy of everyone life from the boys taking over the roles of big brothers to her daddy spoiling her every nite with a father daughter time before she lovingly falls asleep in his arms. She has advanced so much from the little fishy pod growing inside of me to this independant child who wants nothing more than to be involved in everything she possibly can throughout the day, not missing a single beat :0- From the unique things she invents to the way she smiles at everyone to the way she sleeps and every thing in between, I couldn't have designed a better daughter for my family and I... She is just plain AMAZING!!!!

Letter to Brayden... Your 2 now!!!

Dear brayden,

Two years ago today I gave birth to you. I delivered you way before you were due but it was God's plan to happen that way, or so I have to keep telling myself. Out of all the things that have happened to me, loseing you was ultimately the hardest. Every time I see a child around your age I wonder what you could be doing or what you would do if you were around. I wonder if you would be an outdoorsman like your daddy or a athlete like your mama. If you would be like your brothers and love to play in dirt and see how far they can go before mama explodes or if you would just be laid back like your sister, either way you are my little angel. After thoughts and wonders I have declared that God took you inorder to give me your sister. You were sick in ways i would'nt have fully understood until I met you. You were amazing to have growing inside of me and to know that I was giving life to you is something that no one can take away. i have done wrong in my life and have had wrong done to me but that pain does'nt amount to the emptiness I got from your loss. Everyone can say that they know how I feel but if they have not been through it, they wont be able to fathem the empty feeling thats left behind. people experience things differently from loss of houses to a fire or loss of a pet or job or a family member getting cancer and we all say at one time or another that it wont ever happen to me and them BAM it does. How do you react then? Or when someone says well what would you do if it was you and you answer to the best of your ability but really do we know how we will react? Not only until it happens do we know and then it's more of a shock and your reactions are frozen. To say i would do this or that and then when it happens and you dont do what you said you would, who stands to be the fool then? I still remember the words that man spoke to me and the fact that all I wanted to do was cry and hold you so bad, instead your dad just wanted me to hold your brother. Of all things all I wanted was you and to wake up fro mthat bad dream in hopes that it was a big mistake and you were alright that maybe he made a miscalculation and that the pains were unreal, like it was all in my head or something. If I have ever been crazy I would have loved for it to have been then, but reality is I lost you. I just want 45 minutes with you to hold you again and just get lost in the moment of having my baby boy with me. It's prolly a good thing you are not here to see all the things I have screwed up recently, I wouldn't have wanted them to affect you, much less for you to be just like me. I dont even want your siblings to be anything like me but to be themselves.Until next time remeber that your mama loves you and misses you dearly. i love you my little angel :)-