Dear brayden,
Two years ago today I gave birth to you. I delivered you way before you were due but it was God's plan to happen that way, or so I have to keep telling myself. Out of all the things that have happened to me, loseing you was ultimately the hardest. Every time I see a child around your age I wonder what you could be doing or what you would do if you were around. I wonder if you would be an outdoorsman like your daddy or a athlete like your mama. If you would be like your brothers and love to play in dirt and see how far they can go before mama explodes or if you would just be laid back like your sister, either way you are my little angel. After thoughts and wonders I have declared that God took you inorder to give me your sister. You were sick in ways i would'nt have fully understood until I met you. You were amazing to have growing inside of me and to know that I was giving life to you is something that no one can take away. i have done wrong in my life and have had wrong done to me but that pain does'nt amount to the emptiness I got from your loss. Everyone can say that they know how I feel but if they have not been through it, they wont be able to fathem the empty feeling thats left behind. people experience things differently from loss of houses to a fire or loss of a pet or job or a family member getting cancer and we all say at one time or another that it wont ever happen to me and them BAM it does. How do you react then? Or when someone says well what would you do if it was you and you answer to the best of your ability but really do we know how we will react? Not only until it happens do we know and then it's more of a shock and your reactions are frozen. To say i would do this or that and then when it happens and you dont do what you said you would, who stands to be the fool then? I still remember the words that man spoke to me and the fact that all I wanted to do was cry and hold you so bad, instead your dad just wanted me to hold your brother. Of all things all I wanted was you and to wake up fro mthat bad dream in hopes that it was a big mistake and you were alright that maybe he made a miscalculation and that the pains were unreal, like it was all in my head or something. If I have ever been crazy I would have loved for it to have been then, but reality is I lost you. I just want 45 minutes with you to hold you again and just get lost in the moment of having my baby boy with me. It's prolly a good thing you are not here to see all the things I have screwed up recently, I wouldn't have wanted them to affect you, much less for you to be just like me. I dont even want your siblings to be anything like me but to be themselves.Until next time remeber that your mama loves you and misses you dearly. i love you my little angel :)-
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